and just like that , boooom a slap to the face..
ive been thinking..
thinking a lot lately, maybe to much, maybe not enough.
i heard you had a girlfriend today, half of me wants to act suprised while the other half of me seen it coming. im mad, sad, upset, angry with you.. not because im jealous, but because the only thing i wanted was for you to be miserable, as selfish of me as it is.. i wanted to you miss me, cry over me, wonder what i was doing. and agian it never worked out my way, im happy theres only a few weeks left of school so i dont have to hear about you, think about you, see you, know you.. you become less than nothing to me in only 12 days. and 12 days couldnt come any faster.. but until then im going to put a smile on my face and act like it doesnt bother me, tell everyone how happy i am for you. i dont want anyone to see it still bothers me, because everyone thinks it shouldnt so i wont let them know..
speaking of only 12 days, i cant believe how incredibly fast senior year went by. i didnt believe anyone when they said it would, but it really does. theres a lot of things i wish i could go back and change, friendships i could repair, things i wish i wouldnt have said to certain people, but just knowing that i will never see half of thos people again really kills me. i cried last night picturing next year, thinking of all the people im going to miss, being on my own in the “real” world.. i wish i could go back and do it all over agian.
collegeis stressing me out, i dont know where im going to go. where im going to be living where im going to be working, i need acceptance letters now ! im stressed out to the max, trying to save money for a car is amost near impossible for me.
i dont mean to “complain” but im feeling dead..
two years ago i met my bestfriend, someone i could never be away from for more then 10 min, someone that was just like me in every single way, someone who promised me the whole world and more, someone i was so comfortable being my self around, someone i never thought id lose.
Looking back on it maybe i should have listened to everyone around me, and never taken you back the 1st time, after you fcked me over and broke up with me on our 8 months and after you slept with 4 other girls, but there was just something about you i wasnt ready to let go of yet, im not sure if it was yr smile, yr hugs, yr kisses, the way you made me feel so safe in yr arms, the look you gave me that still gives me butterflies. Whatever it was, i wasnt ready and i never thought i would ever be ready, im still not. But looking back on it i realized you’re not the same person you use to be, when i look at you i see a whole different side of you.
I tried to forgive you every time, i tried to forgive my self, i tried everything i could to keep you around.. and nothing was ever good enough for you, and im sorry for that. its hard to believe that i spent the last two years of my life with someone who cant even look at me, who cant even pretend i exist to them, someone who can tell everyone around them that they are okay saying they dont care about me anymore? you dont go from loving someone to not caring about them at all. ive lost all hope in believing that you ever loved me, that you actually cared about me in the 1st place and didnt just use me for everything im worth. its so hard going to school and seeing you, knowing that yr okay with potentially never seeing me again, or coming to school with hickeys on yr neck and throwing it in my face. after everything i did for you, what did i do to deserve this? do you think i like hearing about you and other people, and how yr suppose to get a tattoo that says “bad bitches only.” if anyone you know everything im going through, from depression to everything else, i figured you’d be the one to help me, not make it worse? i just know that whether its a day, a month, a year, even years.. i hope you look back and remember me and everything i did for you, all the times i was there for you and just regret what you did, because if you think that a “bad bitch” is going to love you, treat you, respect you, and do as much as i did for you then yr wrong, the only thing you can expect from a “bad bitch” is getting cheated on, an STD, or getting someone pregnant. which is depressing because yr so much better then that. always remember i know the real you.. i knew you better then you knew yr self.
But i also wanted to thank you, thank you for the learning experience, thank you for showing me a whole different world, showing me how to have fun, showing me its okay to be my self, thank you for giving me the chance to love yr family as much as you do. thank you for being there for me when no one else was, thank you for putting up with my bullshit, thank you for the best two years i could ever ask for, thank you for being my bestfriend, thank you for making me stronger, and most importantly thank you for showing me what love was, most people will never be able to say that.
i will always love you, i could never forget you, and you will always be a part of my life, and somewhere in the back of my mind. its hard to swallow that the only thing i have left its memories but those are memories i will never forget, not a day goes by that i don think of you. but maybe yr right maybe its for the best that we arent together right now. i wish you the best in life, as much as i wish it was with me i know you will go far. i will always be here for you, not when you want something, not when you have no one else, not when you need money or a ride, but when you need a friend. i just really hope you dont forget me through yr journey of life. i cant make you love me or want to be with me, so i guess its time to put my big girl panties on, andd just move on…
goodbye john <3
love
How is anyone suppose to know what love really is when all anyone ever does is throw it around like it meaningless. Love is a word used to define two people that care about eachother , and want to spend there lives together and be there for eachother always and forever . Love is a special bond between a family that noone could ever have. The love you share with a friend , when you know they will always be there for you no matter what through thick and trough thin. These are the three types of love that have been thrown at me my whole life. Except how am I suppose to know what it really is when people that tell me they love me and let me believe we will get married and spend the rest of our lives together , the ones I spend 2 years of my life ill never get back with just leave me ? Lie to me and show me it was all a waste . Or my family that tells me they love me yet they’re never there for me , can’t come to a football game to watch me cheer or a track meet to watch me run , you can’t be there for me my entire life yet I’m suppose to believe you when you tell me you love me ? Why because you think you have too? The only love I could ever come close to believing in is my friendship. I don’t know what I would do with out her , she’s my other half our lives are exactly alike. I know no matter what she will always be here for me although she might not like my decisions I can always could on her to support them. I never tell her how much she means to me , not as much as I should any way. thank you for giving me at least something to believe in . Thank you for being my bestfriend . I love you jasmyn! Uhohh..what’s that? Hahaha
